Imagine you just take this little gadget that your Mum uses to measure her blood pressure and try it out. And within seconds you can see that your own heart pressure is way too high. You don´t believe this gadget, technical equipment sometimes doesn´t work properly. You try again and it´s the same. Because you listen to your mum you make an appointment at the doctor and inform some people if they knew a good cardiologist or general doc. Within three days – with the same pulse and blood pressure after waking up – four different doctors tell you all the same: “Take rest or you might die due to too much stress for your heart”. BOOM!
They tell you “You have to check everything, you have to change your life” and “You´re too young and to healthy to suffer from heart issues” BOOM!
And you just see your life floating away. My first thought was “O my god, why?” and my second “What´s going on now. What should I do in my life?” A bit overly dramatic, maybe. But my life is all about movement at the moment. I love to go surfing, I just found back and I ordered a new surfboard to improve my skills. And now? I am not allowed to go surfing!
I trained for my first trail run ever this Sunday. No – I´m not allowed to participate! Same goes for boxing, for gym, for swimming, biking, everything that I really like to do. I´m not allowed to drink alcohol, caffeine or eat too much sugar. I should eat oil-free and not too much animal protein (that´s fine- thanks. I´m happy with veggies)
First, I have to do a big check-up: heart, lungs, kidneys and blood. If they don´t find a failure in my bodily functions, maybe it´s my mind then. Maybe it´s nothing at all? I shall relax and enjoy my life. And I just can´t.
I´m so so scared that something is not right and I´m worried about my life and I´m questioning everthing.
Yes, I like a quiet life, sometimes. I like to take pictures with my camera and work with them. I like to read and watch BBC documentaries or go to the cinema. I like to go for walks at the beach and in the forest. I like to listen to music. But I just can´t imagine to do just those things. Those no-movement things.
At the moment I´m just rotating about all the possibilities that could be and on the same time being highly desperate about knowing nothing and being emotional about all that. I just could burst in tears at least every 5 hours. And I never cry.
But I believe in the good things in life and that all what you give is coming back to you. And I´m so grateful for all the good wishes and nice calls i got the last days since I talked about my worries open - and I believe that there will be a way out our a way to life with the issues! Today I´ll have an appointment at the cardiologist. Wish me luck!